Pairings: Far too many to list

Rating: PG-13 for innuendo

Archive: Dunno who'd want it, but sure...

Disclaimers: Harry & Co. belong to JKR. "I Sleep With Everyone, from _Forbidden Broadway Vol. 8_ belongs to Gerard Alessandrini. "Love Changes Everything" from _Aspects of Love_ belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber and Don Black. Unfortunately, no one is willing to claim responsibility for me.

A/N: I was driving home, listening to Forbidden Broadway, and this song came on, and then, well, one time, at band camp…

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, DRACO, SNAPE, REMUS, SIRIUS, GINNY, HERMIONE, and LUCIUS all troop across a stage. Ten stand microphones have been set up; a spotlight is on each one. Each person stands in front of a microphone. When all are in position, NANCY enters, carrying a laptop-she's too much of a geek to have a real CD player. She sits down at a grand piano, puts down the laptop, and after much grumbling and cursing Bill Gates, clicks in the right place. The piano intro begins; then HARRY sings:


HARRY: I-I sleep with everyone
Sleep with Ginny; sleep with Ron.

RON: I-I sleep with everyone
With my teacher *points to Snape*
And his son *points to Lucius*

LUCIUS: *raises an eyebrow at Draco*

DRACO : *shrugs*

HERMIONE: That doesn't even rhyme!

NANCY: Yeah? You try to find a rhyme for "Ron" then, smartyboots!

DRACO: How about "gone," like what I want to be rather than doing this?

NANCY: Watch it Blondie, or I'm slashing you with Filch next...

DRACO: *gulps*

SNAPE: *in a surprisingly good voice*
I-I sleep with everyone, while I'm lusting after Remus...

SIRIUS: *snarls at Snape*

REMUS: *somewhat apologetically*
And I-I sleep with everyone
With his godson *Sirius looks upset*
And the dog *points at Sirius*

HARRY: *glares at his godfather*

ALL: Let's go to the Tower for a quickie snog!

DRACO: *smugly* I-I sleep with everyone
With Hermione, and my dad

LUCIUS: Say-say did I sleep with you?

HERMIONE: *shakes her head* I don't think so...

LUCIUS: *leers* That's too bad.

HERMIONE: *moves closer to Harry*

LUCIUS/SIRIUS: Hey-I'd better sleep with you, to make sure I didn't miss you
*they start comparing appointment books*

ALL: And we all sleep with everyone, one by one and two by two...

HARRY: No.

SNAPE: Absolutely not.

DRACO: She's going to make us do it-might as well get it over with.

SNAPE: But it's so cheap, and obvious!

NANCY: Hey-I'm obvious, but I'm *not* cheap! And I'm the author here, remember?

HERMIONE: Uh...this is a parody of a parody of an Andrew Lloyd Webber song. It's not like you actually wrote anything...

NANCY: Just shut up and sing, dammit!

REMUS: Look, just do what she says, so we can be done with it, okay?

HARRY: Fine. Whatever.

ALL: Everybody gets some, even You-Know-Who!

NANCY: *applauds*

RON: Can we go now?

NANCY: Everybody except Snape.

SNAPE: What???

NANCY: It's my fic. Besides, my birthday is coming up and I told everyone I want my very own Potions Master.

LUCIUS: She doesn't look like she's in very good shape. If you start running now, you may be able to get away.

NANCY: *smiles* Oh, and don't you go anywhere either, you sexy evil manyou. I have plans for you later.

LUCIUS: *turns paler*

NANCY: *insane evil laughter*