Chapter 2

Down in the Great Hall, the students were chatting over the latest events. Malfoy had met Hagrid with the unconscious Lupin on his way up to the hospital wing, and the news had spread like a wildfire. "First that breakdown yesterday and now this!" Ron shook his head. "What is going on? Neville, tell us again what happened yesterday!"

Neville didn't much enjoy being the centre of attention, and blushed. "Ummm, I...I found him sitting on the floor on one of the corridors. He was crying and his whole body was shaking. He didn't even notice I was there, and normally he notices everything! You know that--he finds every message we are trying to send to someone in his class. When I came nearer, he suddenly looked up and I was really shocked. He didn't seem to be crying because he was sad. He looked so... angry, almost mad! But he pulled himself together and smiled at me. 'Everything is okay' he said, and took my hand to stand up. I asked him if I should bring him to Madame Pomfrey, but he shook his head. He was still shaking, so I escorted him to his room. When I left him there, he looked tired and worried, but no longer angry." Neville shuddered. "I will never forget that look on his face! If he would look at _me_ like that, I would run to the end of the world and never come back!"

"He is such a gentle person" Hermione mused. "I can't imagine him being that angry. Something horrible must have happened. And what about this morning? Malfoy said that he had looked like he was dead!" Harry looked up to the empty seats at the teachers' table. "If he was, Dumbledore would be down here and talking to us. I suggest we go up to the hospital wing. Perhaps we can find out more. I wonder where Sirius is?" After having made their decision, they wolfed down the rest of their breakfast and hurried out of the Hall to the hospital wing.

They found Sirius sitting on a chair next to the bed of a deathly pale Professor Lupin. To their suprise, they found Professor Snape in another bed, looking even paler than usual. Both professors were still unconscious. Dumbledore stood at the other side of Lupin's bed holding a roll of parchment in his hand, the other hand slowly moving his wand over Lupin's body. "This is not good. He has a high fever." He looked at Sirius. "He's not out of danger. Watch over him, Sirius." Dumbledore turned around and saw Harry, Hermione, Neville and Ron standing in the doorway.

Hermione slowly walked over to Lupin's bed and carefully touched the hand that was lying on the blankets. It was burning hot. Harry looked questioningly from Dumbledore to Sirius. "What has happened? Malfoy is spreading the rumour of Professor Lupin's death down in the Hall!" Dumbledore looked shocked. "He is doing what? I will go down and talk to the other students. Professor Lupin is very ill, as is Professor Snape, but neither of them is dead." Dumbledore exchanged a look with Sirius, then left.

"Sirius! What happened? That breakdown yesterday and now this!" Harry wanted to know. Sirius nodded them to take a seat. "I don't know exactly what happened this morning. About yesterday." Briefly he told them about what had happened at the meeting.

Hermione paled. Neville closed his eyes. "No wonder he was so angry." He clenched his fists. "He does not deserve that! Nobody deserves that!" The others stared at the normally shy Neville shaking with rage.

"This morning Master McDougal found Snape on the steps to the castle's portal. Moony was next to him and McDougal stupefied him, to save Snape from the murderous monster!" Sirius continued, fuming. He nearly spat out the last words. "I don't know what had happened with Snape out there, but McDougal magicked him to the hospital wing and left Moony outside in the snow. Where Hagrid found him."

"Moony?" a voice croaked from the other bed.

Everybody jumped. "Severus! You're awake!" Sirius stood up and walked over to the other bed.

"Lupin."

"Shhh, don't speak, you're too weak! Madame Pomfrey!" Sirius called.

"The lake. Ice broke. Lupin."

"Professor Snape! No more talking!" cried Madame Pomfrey, as she shooed the visitors out of the way and began to examine her patient.

"Lupin?" Snape's voice weakened, and he drifted back off to sleep.

"If he broke through the ice, how did he come to be at the portal? Moony must have dragged him there! Then McDougal found him and left Moony out there to die in the cold!" Sirius was more than angry by now. Madame Pomfrey had overheard his words and added "From what I've seen, Remus must have broken through the ice himself while rescuing Professor Snape. He showed extreme frostbite on his legs where the icy water penetrated the wolf's fur to his skin." "I'll go and tell Dumbledore" Sirius said, and with a last look at Remus' still form, left the room.

Hermione sat down on the chair that Sirius had moved to Lupin's bed and again took the Professor's hand. "Please, recover quickly!" she said and pressed his hand. Lupin's eyelids fluttered. "He's waking up! Madame Pomfrey!"

With unfocused eyes, Lupin scanned the room. Finally, his eyes landed on Harry and he froze. He closed his eyes, and a sad look crossed his features. When he opened his eyes again, his gaze fell on Hermione. "Llll..Li..ly?" he croaked. Hermione stared at him. "Pardon?" Lupin looked back at Harry. "James?"

Harry winced. "Gods! He thinks I'm my father!" "James, I'm sorry!" Lupin's voice grew steadier. "I never wanted any of you finding out... finding out… what I am." A tear rolled down his cheek as Harry and Hermione shared a look. "You hate me now, don't you? Of course you do. Have you told them yet? Have you told the others what I am? About the monster?" Lupin continued. Hermione pressed Lupin's hand again. "No, Remus, we didn't tell them." She was astonished at how easy it was to call her teacher by his given name. "But you will!" he whispered.

Madame Pomfrey moved over to them and checked Lupin's fever. It was higher than ever. On the next bed, Snape woke again and listened.

"I'm sure you will tell them. I will be expelled. Hunted and killed. I'm sorry I lied to you!" Lupin was openly crying now. "He's reliving the scene where your father and the others found out about him!" Madame Pomfrey whispered to Harry. "Move! Help him! Tell him what your father would have told him!"

Harry sat down on the edge of Lupin's bed and took his other hand. "Prof...Moony, you don't need to be sorry! Of course you couldn't tell anybody! We're not mad at you! You're still our friend!"

But Lupin didn't seem to hear him. "Did you know that one can't murder a werewolf? It's either self-defence or saving the surrounding people!" He turned to his side and curled into a tight ball. "You know what to do! We learned it a few days ago! Nobody will punish you for doing it." His shoulders were shaking.

Hermione looked sick. "Did he just ask us to kill him? God! No! Remus! We will not do that! Never! You are our friend!" Neville knelt down in front of Lupin's face. "We will not do that! You taught me to stand up and fight, and not let anybody get me down. And now _you_ give up. Call it a day. Throw in the towel. Listen to me! We will not abandon you! Not even if you were a vampire or a demon from hell! You are Remus Lupin, our friend! Why can't you get that into your brain?" "Peter." Neville paled.

Lupin looked up and scanned the room again. When he spotted Snape, he relaxed. "Why's Sirius in bed? Is he ill? Say goodbye to him from me, will you?"

"What? Remus!" Hermione stared at him in shock. Lupin closed his eyes again. "...will not abandon me." His breathing stopped. Madame Pomfrey's magical parchment began to flutter, words appearing on it almost too quick to read. "He's giving up the fight. He has found forgiveness, and now he's leaving us!" Frantically, she began to wave her wand. Sparks in several colours moved down to Lupin's body, and formed shimmering areas of colour over his heart, lungs and forehead.

"No!" Hermione shook Lupin. "Don't you dare go! We need you here! Professor! Please stay!" Harry stood there, not able to do anything but shake. Ron closed his eyes and seemed to pray. Neville grabbed Lupin's sleeve and muttered constantly "Don't go, don't go, don't go." Nobody seemed to notice the single tear that slid down Snape's face.

With another rush of frantic activity, new words appeared on the parchment. Lupin inhaled deeply and the areas of coloured sparks on his body began to flicker and finally vanished. The writing on Madame Pomfrey's parchment slowed down. She looked down on it and sighed. "He's all right. The worst is over now." With a triumphant grin, she turned to Harry and the others. "He'll live."

Hermione broke down, sobbing at Lupin's shoulder. Neville sat down on the floor, a stupid grin on his face. Harry and Ron shook hands and fell down on an empty bed nearby. At that moment, Dumbledore and Sirius entered the room once again. "What..." "The crisis is over, Albus. He will live." Madam Pomfrey announced. Sirius sank down next to Harry and Ron. "He'll live!"

For the next few days, someone was constantly sitting at Lupin's bedside, watching over his recovery and protecting him against McDougal's tirades and threats. Snape recovered quickly and left the hospital wing four days later. He had been very quiet after finding out that it had been Lupin who had saved his life and almost died in the process. McDougal tried to convince him that he had made it by himself to the portals where he, McDougal, had saved him from the fangs of a werewolf, but Snape simply ignored the man. Sirius, on the other hand, nearly strangled him, cursing him for being stupid enough to break into the ice and endangering Lupin's life. Again, Snape said nothing. He told Dumbledore everything about the Death Eaters' plans and then vanished into his rooms down in the dungeons. He only came up to the Hall for meals, and then vanished again, talking to nobody.

Lupin recovered slowly. He didn't remember the episode with Neville, Harry or Hermione, let alone his near-death experience. But, he dreamt again and again about how he broke into the ice, and in his dreams, he wasn't able to save the person with him. They both drowned in the chilling water, sinking slowly, dreamily to the murky bottom of the lake. Light shimmered through the hole in the ice above them, but they could not reach it. Clawing the air, he woke up then, gasping for air and crying about not being able to save their lives. In his dreams he couldn't see the other's face. He wasn't sure if it was Snape, Sirius or Harry. He could only see the other's eyes, burning themselves into his soul, begging him for help. When the other felt death coming, the fear in those eyes turned to hate and Lupin woke up with a feeling of helplessness and failure.

When he was finally able to leave the hospital wing, Dumbledore had to tell him that Sirius was leaving for a new assignment. He had only waited until Lupin was back on his feet again. After a brief hug and the promise to write as soon as possible, Sirius was gone. Lupin stood at the portal until he couldn't see Sirius anymore, and then some minutes longer. He felt terribly alone--McDougal's hate seemed to drown him. Professor McGonagall, who was on her way to the Great Hall for breakfast, closed the portals, turned him around and led him to his chair at the teachers' table. Again, the four wizards rose and took their seats at one of the students' tables. Lupin moved his breakfast around on his plate, not able to eat more than a bite or two. Snape, at the other end of the table, didn't eat much either. He shot some strange looks at Lupin, quickly glancing away when the werewolf looked in his direction.

Lupin stayed at his place,lost in thought, when the students left the room for their classes. He only looked up when a shadow fell across his face. Snape stood in front on him. "Can I talk to you?" "Severus? Oh, yes, of course. What is it?" "Not here" replied Snape.

Snape avoided Lupin's gaze, but motioned him to come with him. Lupin stood up and followed the Potions Master up to one of the towers, where they could see the surrounding landscape. The platform was surrounded by a spell that kept the wind out. The air wasn't warm, but not as cold as it would have been outside the castle. Snape walked over to the parapet and leaned against it. Lupin, who wasn't very fond of heights, stayed in the middle of the platform.

"What do you want, Severus?"

"I want to know why."

"Why what?"

"Why did you save me?"

"You were drowning!" came Lupin's astonished reply.

"Why didn't you let me die? You could have died out there on the lake."

"But I didn't, Severus. Why do you think I would do such a thing?" Lupin asked gently.

"After what I did to you. I've heard what happened in the meeting. And I saw what happened today. _I_ did that to you. I told them what you are. I am responsible for all that hate!" Snape looked down and pointed at the lake, still invisible under the thick blanket of snow. "You must hate me for doing that to you."

Lupin looked at him. "I don't hate you Severus." Snape whirled around to face him. His face was twisted in a mixture of emotions that Lupin couldn't identify. "Why not?! I don't understand you! Tell me why you didn't let me drown!"

Lupin stepped back from Snape's angry expression. "I would never...*could* never hurt you, Severus! I don't hate you! But you seem to hate me. I could understand if you hated me because of that...incident with Sirius and the tunnel under the Whomping Willow. If you hated me for what I am. But you hated me before that happened, before you knew. Why do you hate me, Severus?"

Snape shrugged his shoulders. "That's the problem. Why do you rescue the man that hates you?" "Answer my question", Lupin said. "No." "Then I won't answer yours."

Both men stood there, on top of the tower, staring at each other. Snape was glaring angrily at Lupin, while Lupin stared back as if he had all the time in the world. Minutes passed. It started to snow again, the flakes melting with a barely audible hiss when they hit the magical field that surrounded the tower's platform.

Finally Snape's shoulders sagged down and he turned again to let his gaze wander over the expanse of the Forbidden Forest spread out before them. From the height of the tower, the snowy trees appeared to be masses of clouds, mirrors of the grey clouds up in the sky. “I envied you.”

 "Pardon?" Lupin thought he hadn't heard right. "I envied you. It's a long story. I don't know where to begin with it." Lupin stared at his fellow teacher. "Now I'm very curious. Suggestion: we go down to my office, and I'll make some big cups of tea or hot chocolate while you think on how to begin with your story. Deal?"

Snape turned back to Lupin and stared at him. "You really want to know? It's a story of the more personal kind." "I love stories of the personal kind! Deal?" Lupin reached out his hand. Hesitantly, Snape took it. "Deal." Smiling, Lupin gestured toward the steps leading down from the tower. "Then come on." 

Fifteen minutes later they sat in front of a crackling fire in Lupin's office, almost monstrous cups of hot chocolate capped with slowly melting whipped cream perched on the wooden arms of their chairs.

"Now, do you know where to begin?" Lupin asked and took a sip of his chocolate, dipping his nose into the cream. Bemused, he wiped it clean again with the back of his hand.

Snape looked uncomfortable. "Yeah. I do." He shifted in his seat and stared into the flames for a long moment. Then he began. "My mother died when I was five. She had become ill after my birth and then slowly... faded away. My father blamed me for her death." Snape shifted again, looking slightly embarrassed by now. "I shouldn't tell you that."

Lupin raised his hand to stop Snape from standing up and leaving the room. "Please, Severus, continue!"

Snape sighed, then took a deep breath and continued. "After her death, my life became hell. My father made me do all of her work--cooking, washing, cleaning the house, everything. Little as I was, I couldn't use magic. If I neglected my homework for school over my other work, he hit me. I had no friends, was bound to the house. I was so glad when the letter from Hogwarts arrived. Do you remember when we first met?"

Lupin smiled. "Yes, at King's Cross. You fought with your trunk. It steadfastly refused to let itself be heaved up the stairs of the train's compartment."

"Yeah. You helped me. I was glad I met you. I looked at you and I saw the same look in your eyes that I saw every time I looked into the mirror. You were as lonely as I was then."

Lupin's face twisted. "My parents confined me to the house, too. The danger of someone learning about my...illness was too great. Dumbledore came to visit us personally to convince my parents that Hogwarts was safe for me and I would have no chance to endanger the other students. I was so glad to have been invited to the school."

Snape continued "I had hoped we would become friends, you know? But Potter and Black almost instantly monopolized you. Then came the Sorting and you became a Gryffindor, along with them, and I became a Slytherin. But I still had hope. Unfortunately, Black noticed very soon how easy it was to tease me and he used every chance to play his pranks on me.  And he dragged you along with him wherever he went. I hated him for that. I never had a chance to talk to you." Snape sighed. "Of course, the Slytherins noticed that I was unaccustomed to social situations and they began to tease me, too. I saw no other option than to become cold and mean in order to fight them. And Black. Soon, you, Black and Potter became inseparable. You had found friends, and I had lost my hope of becoming yours. So I started to envy you. And finally that envy became hate. After that incident at the Whomping Willow, I had an even better excuse to hate you all. To despise you." Snape stopped suddenly.

Lupin sat there, not knowing what to say. "Severus, I had no idea. I remember that you tried to talk to me a few times in our first year, but you were gone as soon as you saw Sirius or James heading toward me.  Severus. I'm sorry!" Lupin stood up and walked over to the window. He had not expected to hear a story like this.

But something about Snape's story was odd. Lupin turned to Snape again. "Why didn't you simply forget me and go find some other friends?" Snape didn't answer. "Severus?"

"I answered enough of your questions, Lupin. Now answer mine. Why don't you hate me? Why did you save me?"

Lupin looked shocked. "I would *never* let anybody die if it is in my power to save them. I don't see you as my enemy, Severus, I never did. I didn't understand you then. I thought you hated James and Sirius for their teasing, and me because I was with them. But I never understood why you seemed to hate me even more than them. After you found out what I was, I only feared that you would tell the others. When you didn't, I was grateful, but again I didn't understand you. So I decided to just ignore your hate. After Sirius' escape from Azkaban and that cursed meeting in the Shrieking Shack, I understood you only too well. I was a threat to the students. I could have killed Harry, Hermione or Ron. I was not angry that you revealed my secret then. I knew that the students liked me, that most of them wouldn't care for what I was. I was glad that I didn't have to lie to them anymore. I knew that the wizards outside the school would start  hunting me, but Albus helped me, gave me work to do.  That you revealed my secret lifted a heavy burden from my shoulders. New problems came, but I wanted to deal with them one at a time. I thought I would be prepared for the hate that I would have to face. I was ready to fight.

"But I was wrong. That meeting on the day before the full moon....the rejection of the wizards I had thought would be wise enough to look beyond the prejudices hurt more than I had thought possible. And I hated them. That scared me. I had sworn to myself a long time ago that I would try to never be prejudiced. That I would try to see both sides of a story before I would judge anyone or anything. Being what I am, showed me that things were almost never what they seemed. And, when I saw you there in danger, I didn't think 'He hates me, so why help him'. I thought 'Help him, so that you can ask him about his side of the story, about why he hates you.'" Lupin paused. "Actually, I didn't think at all. I just acted."

"Remus, that day at King's Cross I thought we had so many things in common. Now I think we are more different than I ever thought possible." Snape sat stiffly in his chair, hands clenched on his lap.

Lupin looked up. Snape never called him Remus. "Do you remember your fever dreams?" Snape continued.  "When you confused Harry and Hermione with James and Lily?"  "No, I don't." "You relived the moment when they found out about you. Did...did you really ask them to kill you?"

Lupin shuddered at the memory. "Yes," he whispered. Snape flinched. "I felt like the lousiest shit in the world then,” he said.  “What I had done to you by revealing what you were. Remus, I'm sorry."

Lupin stared at Snape. Had he really just apologized to him? What the hell was wrong with this guy today? He cleared his throat. "But James and Lily didn't abandon me. And Harry, Hermione and Ron stayed with me, too. They gave me a second chance." Lupin felt the next words rush out of his mouth before he could stop them. "I want to give you...us... a second chance, too."

Snape's head jerked up. "What did you say?" "I said that I want to be your friend. If you want me." Snape stared at Lupin, still not believing his ears. "Friends?" "Yes." "Yes." Snape swallowed. "Did I just say that?"  Lupin grinned. "I believe you did. I think you're stuck with me now!" Snape grinned back. "I'm doomed!" "Yep! But there's still that question you didn't answer me. Why didn't you move on? Why didn't you go searching for another friend?"

Snape's face clouded. "Lupin, don't make me answer that question. I'm not ready to talk about that. Not yet."  Lupin looked at him, a suspicion dawning in the back of his mind. "Okay. I will not pester you." He walked back to his chair, grabbed his cup and emptied it. "Severus, my friend, I have a suggestion to make." Snape looked up, suspicion gleaming in his eyes.  Lupin smiled. "You don't trust your friend? Severus!  What I wanted to suggest is this: Let's hit the kitchen! I'm starving!" Before Snape could even think of an answer, his stomach answered for him. He grinned. "Let's go then!"

That evening, Snape lay in his bed and thought over the events of that day. Lupin had tried everything to get him into a lighter mood. And he had succeeded. One time, Snape had even started to laugh and couldn't stop. He tried to remember the last time he'd had that much fun and failed. During the day he had caught himself starting to withdraw again, falling back into his old habits of letting nobody come near him, despising everyone and everything. But Lupin, no, Remus, had stopped talking to him then and had simply looked at him. And Snape had kicked his own ass and smiled at him. Remus grinned back and everything had been fine again.

Snape could see that grin floating in his mind, like that famous smile of the Cheshire Cat, all teeth and no body. He saw that mouth, those lips and all of his emotions, long buried, came back to him. He had fancied Remus -- wanted to be his friend, and as they grew up, wanted him to be more than that. Even through all the hate, he had wanted him. After he had discovered the secret of the werewolf, he had thought that his longing would finally stop but he was wrong. After a few weeks, it had returned stronger than ever. He would never tell Remus about all this. He knew he would lose his newfound friend if he did. Snape hoped that Remus would forget his question, and never ask it again.

The grin that floated around in Snape's mind changed into a seductive smile. Silver eyes began to dance above those soft lips, and the whole face formed out of the fog in Snape's mind. The lips formed words. "Kiss me Severus." Snape shook his head.  Remus would never say those words. Never. He cursed himself for allowing himself to become Remus' friend.  The distance between them that he had maintained with his hate had been so much easier to live with.

"Kiss me Severus." Snape turned to his side and curled himself into a tight ball. After a moment, he rolled to the other side, then onto his back. His body started to betray him. Remus' hands appeared and started to touch him where he needed it most. Of course, they were his own hands, but one could dream, couldn't he? Snape imagined Remus' lips moving down his body, leaving hot trails of kisses on his chest, his stomach. Kissing the tip of his cock, tonguing his shaft down to the base, taking him into his mouth, sucking, licking, teasing.

With a strangled moan, Snape came into his hands.  Damn that man! Damn his imagination! Damn his body! Damn the world! A single tear rolled down his face, dripping onto the cushion and leaving a wet spot.  With a deep sigh, Snape got up and trudged over to the bathroom to clean himself up.

In another part of the castle, Lupin lay awake in his bed as well. Why had Severus avoided that question? Why had he been so obsessed with him?  Obsession. He took that word and observed it from a multitude of angles. One would be obsessed with something one would want for himself, no matter what the cost. Why does one want a person? Love, lust, in whatever form.

Whatever direction Lupin went in his thoughts, he always came back to this one. Had Severus wanted him then? What about now? Did he want to be with him now, too? This was something he had to analyse. Best was a monologue, that way he would not drift off to other thoughts.

"If Severus wants me, why didn't he say so? Because he is afraid of what I'd say. That I'd reject him.  Okay, next thought. Would I reject Severus? Hmmm. I never thought about being with a man. Sirius tried to kiss me once, curious as he had been, but I had felt nothing at that time. Could I imagine being with a man? Urgh!"

"Okay, another approach. Could I imagine being with Severus? Little steps now. Kissing him. Hmm. Yes.  Why not. Deep kissing him. Why should it be different that with a girl? Apart from the stubble. Okay, check. Undressing him. That part is a bit more difficult.  Especially the more, uh, southern parts. Touching and kissing him there. Urgh! Mental roadblock. Don't go there signs. Okay, detour. Him undressing me.  Strange, but...check. Him touching and kissing...oops! Hello there! Does that mean yes? I think so. Or better yet *you* think so, hm?  Touching...and kissing...and... Stop! Do not go there, Remus, or this will get messy!

"Let me think. I would not reject him. I think. Oh boy! What next? Should I wait until he says something? Or should I ask him if what I think is true? Or tell him that I want him? No. Damn. This is difficult. Er, you down there, would you please go to sleep again? Please? Pretty please with whipped cream and a cherry on top? Cream! Remus!! Houston, I think we have a problem here."